A Modern Lament
by Emolaaay
Summary: A great love is lost and both feel the need to start over. Different paths are formed but neither is able to forget the one they let get away.
1. Sobs and Starting Over

I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.

Chapter One: Sobs and Starting Over

Charlie Swan stared at his broken daughter through the window of his living room as she continued to shove her belongings forcefully into the bed of her truck. He persisted with the nervous gnawing of his cheeks as he listened to her weep from outside. It physically hurt him that he couldn't comfort her, though he knew that she wouldn't just feel even more awkward because of the exchange.

Her dark hair was pulled into two braids that made her look innocent and youthful. Her clothes were some of his old garments. His tattered flannel shirt and worn gray sweatpants were grungy from the wet air and muddy soil. Charlie had never seen his sweet, beautiful Bella so torn up. No, that wasn't even the right explanation for how he was sure she felt at that moment in time. She was utterly heart-broken.

He watched sullenly as she laid her head on the side of her truck. Her small shoulders shook from the force of her sobs. He stood there, watching, until he couldn't take it anymore. Charlie's movement was fast and steady as he ran to console his only daughter. His large arms wove themselves around her body and held her petite frame against his chest. It took no time for her to return the gesture and grip at his shirt as she sunk to the wet concrete.

This miserable woman was not the Bella he had fathered. His Bella was smart and strong. She had been so beautiful and independent. Damn that man that changed her. Now she was nothing but a shell. A shell of what she used to be. She was gloomy and sick. She didn't speak unless she was calling out in her sobs and nightmares. She didn't eat. She tried not to eat. She cringed whenever the phone rang. She cried at all hours of the day. This was not Bella.

He wished Renee was there with them, instead of gallivanting with her newest beau. It made him even angrier that his ex-wife wasn't with their damaged daughter as she ran away and tried to hide from the cruel world that had thrown her to the wolves.

"Daddy," Bella moaned into his damp shirt.

He cooed at her in response, brushing the bangs away from her clammy face. Her skin had only paled in the week since she'd come back to him. She hadn't left the house, hell, she hadn't left her old room. The only time she ate was when Sue, Charlie's longtime girlfriend, came over and forced food down her throat and even then, she only nibbled on her sandwiched and took sips of her soup. He could've fed the rest of the town with her leftovers alone.

Charlie could only whisper to his daughter as she cried out in pain. No matter how much he wished or how much he tried, he couldn't take this hurt from her. That absolutely _killed_ him.

*

"Bella, you don't have to go. You can stay with me as long as you need," Charlie had been trying to convince her to stay in Forks for the past half hour.

Bella sighed at her father. While she appreciated everything he had done for her, she needed to get away. Away from Forks. Away from the rain and the green. Away from the looks and the whispers. Away from the cause. Away from _him_.

"I know. I need to go, Dad. I promise, I'll call as soon as I get there," Bella said quietly as she shifted awkwardly on her feet.

Charlie shook his head at her. "I want you to call me as soon as you stop. It's a twenty hour drive. I know you'll get tired at some point and I don't like the fact that you are doing this drive alone. I would feel better if you took Jake with you."

Jake, Bella's best friend growing up. They hadn't spoken in months. She'd been going through a lot and hadn't really given him much consideration. She missed him, that much was true. He and Charlie had offered to drive down with her but she needed to do this alone. She didn't want to cry and scream in front of them anymore than she already had.

Jacob had seen Bella grow up, so it wasn't like he was uncomfortable in front of her tears but she felt like a burden enough as it was. She didn't need him to tell her that he would rather listen her cry than to Quil ramble on about his beau Claire. He may have been a great best friend but he wasn't exactly sensitive. He didn't feel the need to tip toe around her feelings. He was the complete opposite of the new Charlie.

Ever since she and her father had had a breakthrough during one of her many, of late, breakdowns, Charlie had been less object to showing his emotions. Bella still was unavailable emotionally to almost everyone. That was of her greatest faults, at least, that's what _he_ had told her. Bella swallowed another sob. She would save that for later.

Charlie pulled her into another hug, his grip like a vice. "I love you kid."

Bella nodded into his shoulder. "I love you too, Dad."

She sighed, almost reluctantly as she got into her truck. She wasn't so sure of herself anymore and this decision was just adding to the list of her worries. It was hard to leave her hometown and her father. Most of all, it was hard to let go of her dreams. She knew that any future with _him_ was far gone and staying here would only remind her of that, every single day.

Bella smiled lightly at her father as she drove off. She cried as he waved to her. She cried as she passed community hospital. She cried as she passed the old diner. But those tears didn't compare to the tears she shed as she passed by the cemetery. She bit back her sobs as she hurried past. No amount of money could make her step foot in that place ever again.

She breathed a sigh of relief as she left behind the town of Forks and her past.

* * *

**AN:**

I had this saved from a while ago. I just got back from a small birthday vacation, it was a complete surprise so that is why I haven't updated StF lately. I promise, I will get on that as soon as possible. Also, if anyone is willing, I would love a beta for this.

Emolaaay


	2. Driving and Dreams

I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. I do not one the song "Ask Me Why" by The Beatles either.

Chapter Inspiration:

**Stay** by Safetysuit

**Meant to Live** by Switchfoot

**Oxygen** by Living Things

Chapter Two: Driving and Dreams

Driving was getting to her mind.

Everywhere she looked she saw his frowning face. Everything she heard made her think of his music. Every time she took a breath she smelled his honey sweet scent.

_Shit_, she cursed mentally. The tears seeped from her eyes again but by this time, she had learned enough to know they weren't going to stop until all of the water was drained from her body.

She groaned. That was the word for how she felt. Drained. She was tired and sick and just… lifeless.

Her hands slammed against the steering wheel in frustration. Bella had never felt so low in her life. She wanted to go back to Forks and talk to him and kiss him and tell him how sorry she was. She was so sorry that she wasn't strong enough. That she wasn't good enough for him. But deep down, she knew that nothing good would come of that.

_This wasn't her fault._ But only a diminutive part of her mind believed that.

She couldn't drive any longer. She took an unstable breath as she pulled off the freeway into a random town in southern Oregon. After a little over eight hours, she was done for the day. She towed into the small town. It reminded her of home.

She again cursed herself for thinking of Forks. The sign in the small town read "Myrtle Creek." She got a room at the Rose Motel and sighed at the smoky scent of the room. For some strange reason, it helped her relax; reminding her of Charlie's youthful years when he used to smoke cigars with Billy and Harry. After Harry's heart attack and death, Charlie stopped smoking. That didn't stop his drinking though.

She relaxed on the slightly uncomfortable bed, curling up to the pillows. Bella felt at ease now that she wasn't on the road. She didn't bother taking off her secondhand sweatpants or Charlie's old flannel shirt, instead crawling beneath the covers and praying for a good night's sleep.

She didn't succumb quickly but when she did her dreams weren't filled with the flowers and sunsets she'd hoped for. She dreamed of her past. Her failed marriage, everything that she had craved. She longed for his arms and his husky words. She wanted his smile and his eyes to smolder into her own.

Her dreams were only showed her with him, showed their desperate love for each other.

"_Bella," he murmured against the skin of her stomach._

_She smiled at him, running her fingers through his soft hair. She felt his grin and she hummed in satisfaction._

"_Will you sing to me?" Bella whispered to him as she continued to play with his locks._

"_What would you like to hear?"he asked without moving from his spot against her._

"_Anything," she replied._

"_I love you, 'cause you tell me things I want to know.  
And it's true that it really only goes to show,  
That I know,  
That I, I, I, I should never, never, never be blue._

_Now you're mine, my happiness still makes me cry.  
And in time, you'll understand the reason why,  
If I cry,  
It's not because I'm sad, but you're the only love that I've ever had._

_I can't believe it's happened to me  
I can't conceive of any more misery._

_Ask me why, I'll say I love you,  
And I'm always thinking of you._

_I love you, 'cause you tell me things I want to know.  
And it's true that it really only goes to show,  
That I know,  
That I, I, I, I should never, never, never be blue._

_Ask me why, I'll say I love you,  
And I'm always thinking of you._

_I can't believe it's happened to me.  
I can't conceive of any more misery."_

_His voice was melodic as it always was but the words were more than words. To anyone else, he would've just been singing but Bella knew, she knew then. She could hear the regret, the worry. It was like that in the end._

Bella was startled at the light knocking of her room's door. She quickly jumped out of bed to answer it.

"Hello?" she smiled uneasily at the old woman who was standing in her doorway.

"Are you alright dear?" the woman asked sympathetically.

Bella nodded and wiped at the crust on her face that was brought on by her dried tears. "Fine, I'm sorry, was I calling out?" she felt her usual blush heat her face.

The old woman smiled sadly at her while nodding. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay, deary. Would you like a cup of tea before going back to sleep?"

She shook her head in response. "Thank you but I want to try and get a little more rest before getting on the road in the morning. I'm sorry if I disturbed you."

The old woman patted Bella's arm lightly. "No, no. You didn't disturb me. Now, go get some rest."

"Good night," Bella whispered.

"Good night, dear."

Bella closed the door silently then leaned against it, greedily taking in deep breaths of the now muggy air. Her arms curled around her midsection as the pain began. She moaned and let the hushed tears fall. She hated herself now. She was so pitiful.

It took all Bella had to get back into the bed. She pulled her legs to her chest and wept for what was missing. Not only was the man she loved far from her, but so was her heart. The harsh ache in her chest would never let her forget that. Every time she felt closer to relief, it hit like a wrecking ball in the stomach.

"_Trust me, Bella. No one will ever be able to captivate my heart like you do."_

She felt herself begin to shake with new sobs. She needed him, badly. It wasn't healthy and she knew that, she had always known that. That was how their relationship was. Her need for him was like an addict's need for their stash. She would never be able to resist him because she knew it wasn't worth the long process of rehab. Life wasn't worth anything if he wasn't with her.

*

He lay in bed, questioning himself. His palms held a large bottle of vodka.

She was all he ever knew. Her silky brown hair. Her chocolate doe eyes. Her pale flesh, always warm beneath his fingers. Her moans and whimpers as he'd touched her delicate body. Her smile as he'd whisper to her. Her full, pink lips forming the words he'd been so frantic to hear. The taste of her skin.

He took another swig and grimaced at the strong taste of the burning liquid. This was just like him, drowning himself in alcohol. He wouldn't let reality sink it, he was always away. Away from the shithole that had filled his whole life. Away from his family with their pity stares. Away from his town where they spoke about his life as if it was the greatest tragedy. Away from every reminder of Bella. This was is world, ever since that day. That one fucking day that ruined everything for them.

No, he'd _let_ it ruin everything for them. She had been so desperate for his attention afterwards. She'd begged for his help, for his arms to build a castle around her. Bella, his beautiful Bella had asked for him just to be with her but he could. He didn't know how to tell her that he needed help for himself, that he was just as broken as she was. That she wasn't the weak one. He was the weak one, he had let it get so far under his skin that he'd forfeit their relationship so that he could just forget. How naïve he truly was to believe that even with her gone that he'd be able to forget. He would never forget, he couldn't forget but he was terrified to remember.

There love was hopeless and hurtful.

Yet, she was all he ever thought about. And he didn't want to change that. He was such a fucking masochist.

**AN: **

I found this second part as I was cleaning out my documents folder. I'm pretty sure that I have two more chapters save on my computer somewhere… so as I work on StF, you can have this.

Oh, and for **Esme ROX**, my mom took me hiking at Hocking Hills.

*Still looking for a beta.

Emolaaay


	3. New Faces and Drunken Paces

I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.

Chapter Inspiration:

**I'm Not Who I Was **by **Brandon Heath**

**Baby Come On **by** +44**

**Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters, and the Story of a Lonely Girl **by** Lost Prophets**

Chapter Three: New Faces and Drunken Paces

"You want me to what?" The hairdresser all but screeched at her.

Bella took a deep breath before repeating herself. "I want you to cut it off."

The woman, Irina, stared at Bella with bulging eyes. "You're sure this is what you want?"

She nodded with confidence.

Irina muttered something to herself that Bella couldn't make out, so she ignored it. "What length would you like me to cut it to?"

She pointed to Bella's chin with her eyebrows raised as if to ask a question. Bella moved Irina's hand down a little over an inch then nodded.

Irina gave her a small smile before she moved to braid Bella's long hair up the back. Her hands wrung beneath the cover of the fabric that rest around her. She knew this was for the best, that it would help her move on but it still made her nervous. What if he came back and didn't recognize her? What if he thought she was hideous without her long brown curls?

She mentally shook her head, shooing away the thoughts before they made her change her mind. She was letting go. He had her hurt so much, too much. It was over. She was ready to leave him and every memory of him far behind her. Her life in Forks was over but her life here in Phoenix had just begun.

Bella winced at the sound Irina's small scissor's cutting the mass of her hair. She kept her eyes tightly closed as Irina continued to work. She tried to keep focus on things like her new job coming up at Paradise Valley High School, where she herself spent her first two and a half years of high school. She was again beneath the warmth and sunshine that she had so long admired.

She remembered being upset about the move to Phoenix and while Forks would never compare to the desert, it in some ways rose above anything Phoenix could ever give her. Phoenix would never have the one thing she would always need, the one man she would always love. Her eyes began to burn and she cursed herself for coming to this conclusion again.

He was never going to come back to her.

She was never going to be the same without him.

He no longer loved her.

She could no stop loving him.

But she was going to try.

"Bella, I'm done with your hair, sweetie," Irina said softly from behind her.

"Isabella," she replied in a whisper as she opened her eyes.

Irina was smiling delicately at her in the mirror. Bella's gaze quickly moved to her new hair. It was short, a little shorter than she had intentionally planned but it looked… nice. Different but nice. She liked it, or would at least become accustomed to it.

It framed her face with a few small waves in it. It made her look older, more mature. The tresses were now kempt and shiny. She smiled at herself.

"Do you like it?" Irina asked.

Bella nodded, quickly. "Thank you. It looks fantastic."

Irina grinned at the compliment. "You are a beautiful woman, Isabella."

Bella felt herself blush, wanting to deny the blunt comment but decided against it. "Is cash okay?" Bella asked.

Irina shook her head. "Forget it. I know when a girl just needs a break. Just make sure you tell some friends about me," Irina responded, lightly.

"Oh no! I couldn't accept that. Please, let me do something."

Irina folded her arms across her chest and nodded. "My sisters and I are going out to bar on Camelback. It's called Merc Bar. The wine is superb. Join us, you're treat?"

Bella was surprised but this gesture but easily accepted it. "Okay, I'll meet you there around eight?"

Irina nodded and waved as Bella walked back out into the Phoenix air. She smiled to herself. It was nice to know a friendly face in the city already.

*

Five hours and seven glasses later, Bella was explaining her marriage in detail to one of Irina's sisters, but through her drunkenness couldn't remember the girl's name.

"He was so good to me. He loved me, at first," she said through a hiccup.

The brunette beside her nodded after tipping her almost empty glass back. "I know the feeling. Men… suck. All of them. I've never met a man the could stay in a healthy relationship. They ruin them just before they get good."

Bella took another sip and shook her head vehemently. "No, that's the thing! It was entirely my fault! I messed everything up."

"I don't believe you. It's always the guy's fault. They ruin everything."

Bella wanted to laugh at her. This girl beside her must've been nineteen at the oldest and Bella was getting closer to twenty five every day and yet she thought she had seen the world. Bella hated girls like that, the fake "know-it-alls." But instead of laughing she just smiled, wanting to explain why it was her fault but afraid that she would melt down.

Across from her, Irina and Tanya laughed. Bella looked up to see a bright-eyed young man in a suit smiling at them. She felt the sudden urge for _his_ comfort, for _his_ warmth.

The way the man's eyes glittered in the darkness of the bar reminded her of the green-eyed boy she'd met at the tender age of seventeen. His eyes sparkling every time he saw her. She remembered the fierce blush that we overtake her cheeks as she spotted him looking at her. He was persistent at that age, always asking Bella out until she got the courage to say yes. He was abnormally nice to her the only other "nice" guys she had met were Eric, the greasy nerd, and Mike, the golden retriever. But him… he was different from the start. He intrigued her. He dazzled her.

The youngest sister, Kate, as Bella abruptly remembered, turned to Bella again. "What did you say this prick's name was again, doll?"

"Edward. Edward Cullen," she mumbled as she stumbled from her seat. She quickly grabbed her purse and escaped out the door, leaving Irina, Kate and Tanya calling for her in the distance.

*

Edward was so drunk that he couldn't even taste the whisky anymore. He picked up the bottle, swirling it again as he thought about taking another gulp. With that movement, he threw the half full bottle at the wall beside the television.

Edward heard a small yelp from another room. Emmett bound in the room, followed by his bitch of a girlfriend Rosalie.

"What the fuck, Edward?"

"Get the fuck out of my house, Emmett," Edward spat from his spot on the couch.

Emmett turned to Rosalie and whispered something that Edward would've been able to hear if he weren't so plastered… and if he actually cared. After turning back around, Rosalie left the house, her long blonde hair being swept of her shoulder with the flick of her wrist. _Bitch_, Edward though bitterly.

"Edward, you need to get out of here. You need to shower and change your clothes and get the fuck away from here. You are driving yourself insane by moping over her. Bella isn't coming back, bro."

Edward winced at her name but made no other movement. His words following her laced with venom. "Don't you ever speak her name, you fucking asshole."

Emmett shook his head and slowly made a move towards the door. "Edward, you broke her. She was hurting just as bad as you were only she didn't make it so fucking obvious. You made her go. You hurt her. What do you expect?"

Emmett slammed the door right as Edward leapt off the couch. He yelled out at picked up the nearest thing, which was a used and molding coffee mug. He took it and threw it at the wall too. The crash was deafening and Edward welcomed it. He picked up the lamp and threw that too. He cried out in agony with every item that was thrown until he reached a picture. It was of him and his Bella. She was smiling and gripping on to him as they stood by La Push. It was their wedding day. Her curls hung loosely around her while a white veil wrapped around her. Small flowers decorated her head. The dress she wore was light, elegant and simple. Simple was the way she loved everything. His beautiful wife.

She had always been so lovely, so good, so pure.

He would love her for eternity but Emmett was right, he had destroyed her.

**AN**:

I'm working on Shied the Flame, so it should be done before the weekend. I found the other chapter of this so I'll put that up later today so it'll keep everyone occupied.

Emolaaay xx


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